Labor Day reflections

Well, I am woefully behind on posting. I think it's been a full year since my last. What immaculate timing! I don't think i'll ever finish my Guatemala posting. No one seems to be reading this blog anyway. So I think I'm writing just for me. Which is fine. Totally fine. I keep telling myself that everything is okay. But truthfully, I don't know what this year will look like. I'm sitting alone in my apt on Labor Day. And have been doing a lot of sitting in my apt alone these days. Chicago has grown so very lonely. But there is nothing I can do to stop the passage of time. Believe me I have tried. You'd think that every year I'd get better at letting go. Eight years in and I'm still a rookie at the end of summer Chicago exodus. I've tried to steal my heart up for these days but it's like trying to make butter less mushy on a hot day. I dry my eyes and move on. Yes, I need to move on.

Friends come and go and my gracious God has always provided the most wonderful friends and family. I need to be grateful and thankful. I am miserable. Can't candy coat my feelings. I've been told I can change how I feel. That I need to actively work on just that. I'll tell you I'm actively working on any number of character flaws--my intense feeling heart well that is one monster I can't seem to kill. Though I don't know that it would be a good thing if I did succeed. I'm tenderhearted. That's how I'm constructed. This world is not an easy place for people like me. Tenderhearts are usually so wounded by the end of childhood that very little survives into adulthood. I'm not entirely sure what has survived in mine. Thankfully, I've long ago stopped counting the scars. God's grace and love has kept this heart alive and hopeful.

Despair is what I guard against. It is that which kills hope and trust in God's goodness. Every summer I face the giant task of killing the despair that rears it's head when yet another relationship comes to that fork in the road. I keep walking straight ahead and God directs you to take the right or the left. And our journey together becomes a journey apart. It's okay. I'll always tell you so. My heart just takes times to catch up with the reality of life--change.

I thought last summer was the worst on record. I was wrong. This one is just as hard. I'm not sure but I think that my extroverted nature has taken a vacation. I struggle to make new friends. I cling to the few that remain a great support in my time of need. I know that replacing the friends I've lost is impossible. I no longer want to make the effort. It's a perfectly sunny day. Great day for hosting a BBQ. But I can't bear the thought of inviting everyone I know, and finding out they all have something else to do. That's what has been so hard. Who loves the extroverted party planner when they no longer function the same way? God loves me. I am not alone. But it sure feels that way a lot. Thoughtful reflection on my life reveals a multitude of blessing. I wish my heart would fall in line.